Bryant H. McGill said, “One of the most sincere forms of respect is actually listening to what another has to say.” This is especially true if the person is emotional. Most people want to end conversations when someone cries or gets angry, but then you miss the opportunity to find solutions together. And, it’s likely you will make the person feel worse if you do.
Here are some tips for what you can do in difficult conversations when someone is emotional.
Never tell someone they are weak or unprofessional for crying. Tears are a natural physiological response when someone feels hurt, disappointed, or sad. It could be a result of stress or a buildup of things gone wrong. It’s not known why some people more readily cry than others, but it’s possible this is a sign of health, not dysfunction.
If you have a tissue available, offer it but you don’t need to go in search of one. If you quietly and calmly sit while they cry, it’s likely they will signal with their hands that they are okay now or they will tell you they are ready to resume the conversation. If they want to explain what triggered their tears, listen with appreciation and ask if they need anything before you move on. However, if the crying is uncontrollable, propose to reschedule the discussion if they want to. It is always better to give someone a moment to recover than to make them feel wrong for crying.
Defensiveness usually subsides after the initial response if you don’t fuel the fire. When you sense someone is angry about what you said or did, you might reflexively defend yourself by getting angry in return or shutting down. It’s best to breathe, stay calm, listen, and summarize what they say so you both understand what happened. Then ask what they need from you now.
Of course, if you feel you are at risk of being harmed, find a way to remove yourself as soon as possible.
If there is no risk, understand that the person’s anger could be a natural reaction to information they were surprised to hear. Even if you feel the anger is misplaced, allow the person to vent a little to let off steam and express what they are feeling. When they start to calm down, see if you can’t look at the cause of the reaction and sort out what is true from speculation. Clarify your intentions and apologize if you need to. Then maybe you can find some ways of dealing with the situation together so the person gains even a small sense of control. If the anger doesn’t subside, ask for another meeting when the person feels ready to work things out.
People feel embarrassed when the realize they have acted in a way that is hurtful or they did something that makes them look clumsy, inept, unaware, or insensitive. Do not try to alleviate or soften the reaction by telling them not to feel the way they do. Accept their uncomfortable apologies. You might ask what they will do differently now. Articulating a lesson learned helps people feel stronger.
When someone is reluctant to act or speak, share your observation and ask what they need to feel more comfortable. Don’t tell them they shouldn’t feel afraid. If they say you are wrong or they don’t want to talk about it, don’t push them. Just share that you care how they feel and want them to feel at ease when talking to you.
Withhold your judgment when they respond especially if they choose to tell you what they were feeling later in the conversation. Listening with compassion will help build their courage to speak up in the future. Once their emotions dissipate, see if you can’t help them discover the roots of their fear. What are they afraid they will lose by speaking up or questioning you? What can you do to be more inviting? Accept their suggestions graciously. Your relationship will strengthen if they will explore this with you.
Try to understand what they are afraid of or disappointed about that is keeping them from moving forward. Until you find what is triggering the emotions—what they feel is at stake due to the changes—your words will have minimal effect. People often do not know what is behind their resistance. Being curious and showing you care about the person’s future can bring many things to light, giving them more choices in how to act going forward.
Always remember to release your judgment when people get emotional. Breathe when you feel your own anger, fear, or disappointment. Respect the person who is having a difficult time resolving what is occurring. See the person in front of you as capable of growing.
Then, ask them what outcome they would like to have instead of what they have now. If what they want is even somewhat achievable, ask if there is anything in their control to do to make this happen. Together, you might discover the best ways to move on.
With over 36 years of coaching experience, Dr Marcia Reynolds became one of the first 25 people in the world to become a ICF Master Certified Coach. She was also one of the first 25 people to join the Profitable Leadership Coaching Network. If you enjoyed this article, do visit our blog to read more articles by Dr Reynolds, our founder Tony Latimer and many other coaches on our network.
For more information about Dr Marcia Reynolds, please visit her website.
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